There’s something I’ve been mulling over for the last couple of weeks, and I just couldn’t put my finger on it, until I was discussing it with a co-worker today. Apparently, I am jealous of other people spending time with my baby! Let me try to explain.
You’ve probably read my post about my issues with my overbearing Mother In Law (MIL). Well they just keep getting worse. I think I have a lot of pent up anger towards her for the way she acts around me and the baby, and maybe a little anger towards my hubs for not stepping in once in a while. Anyway, it just kind of stews inside and then I get a bunch of anxiety with the MIL is coming to town about how I am going to deal with it, without exploding at her and creating a family rift. The last couple of times, I have just made myself busy with other things… plans with other friends, errands to run, or even working an extra shift. I just can’t hardly stand to be around her and the baby. When the MIL came out for Thanksgiving, I tried to tell myself I was making it worse in my head, and I just needed to chill out. She was at the house one night and Benjamin needed his diaper changed, so I took him from her and put him on the changing table. Next thing I know, she is right over my shoulder trying to hold his hand and talk to him. Damnit, woman, I just want five minutes of space to change my son’s diaper! Get away! Argh!
My co worker described this same feeling with an aunt of hers that is staying in town, unannounced, for the holiday. She said she is almost jealous of her aunt trying to spend time with her daughter. I guess I never thought of it this way before, but she’s right. I want to be the one to make my baby laugh. I want to be the one he turns to when he’s upset. I want to have just one thing that only I can do for him, that no one else can do! During our Christmas celebration with the MIL, she commented that people always say the best part about grandchildren is that when they are fussy, you give them back to their parents; but the MIL said “I want him to feel comforted in my arms.” NOPE! That’s my job, lady! I am his mama, not you, and I get to do those things for him, not you! You already had your babies, and now it’s my turn!
I guess I feel like she is trying to take him from me! I am not sure why I feel so jealous and threatened and suffocated by her, but I do. I don’t really know how to get rid of these feelings, and I don’t want to have them because it gives me so much anxiety just thinking about them visiting us. I am already anxious about a vacation we have planned to Mexico in May ( 6 months away!). Especially since I’ve gone back to work, I notice I am more selfish with my time with him. It doesn’t bother me to have my husband spend time with him, or my sister or mom. My MIL and dad have similar ways of playing with him where they are just all up in his business, and it bothers the heck out of me.
During our Christmas celebration with the MIL, I had worked two 12 hour days the two days prior and was working again the next day, so this was my only day to see him for more than 5 minutes. I didn’t really ever let anyone else have him. I didn’t put him down when we walked in; I held him in my lap for presents, I held him while we ate, and I fed him and put him down for his nap. While he napped, I had to get away, and went to the grocery store. I think part of me is so angry at the MIL for some of the things she has done in the past, related to Benjamin and not, that I also don’t want to give her any satisfaction by letting her interact with my son. How twisted is that? Would I feel better if she would just admit that she was wrong sometimes and apologize? Maybe….But I also maybe want to see her suffer, just a little.
My co worker echoed the same sentiments. Glad to hear I am not alone in my craziness!
