This may be the reason I started this whole blog in the first place. Sometimes you just have to rant and get things off your chest so you can move on!
Let me back up here a little. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We started dating in high school and got married seven years later. So I have known my in-laws forever. We have been on vacations together, skiing together, hiking together, etc etc. My husband is a twin and his brother could not be more opposite. My hubs is organized, future oriented, hard working, type A. The brother in law is lackadaisical about his future and career, doesn’t have direction in his life, worked at a liquor store for four years after graduating college, and now lives in his parents second home, rent free. He’s a good guy, and he is finally starting to care about his future a little, let’s hope he can find a job in this current economy!
Baby Ben is the first grand baby on both sides of our families. So, needless to say, everyone was VERY excited about his arrival. This absolutely overwhelmed me! I am a bit of a private person, independent, and a little hard headed. Okay maybe a lot hard headed. Before the baby came, I sent out a “baby watch” e-mail to all our families so that everyone knew what the plan was when D-day arrived, what we wanted them to do/not to do etc. To me, this was all very simple. I don’t want any visitors before the baby is born; No one will be waiting in the waiting room; the hubs and I want our own few hours with the baby before visitors come; we will call you with the news and let you know when it’s appropriate to come visit; we will try our best to update you on the progress, but we might also be too busy to let you know. Easy, right? Not. The brother-in-law freaked out and was asking the hubs why we didn’t want them at the hospital, saying he was hurt that he couldn’t visit, wondering if we were putting the same restrictions on my family too, and saying that he needed a phone call when I went into labor, a text message just wouldn’t do.
Whoa, whoa, whoa there buddy! Really? I think this is when my BP started to rise which caused my slight HELPP syndrome after delivery. It took me a while to realize that this reaction comes from his complete and utter lack of knowledge of the birthing process. In his mind, he probably saw everything from movies and TV where everyone is in the waiting room and the hubs comes out seconds after delivery to make the announcement and then they all go in and see mom and baby who are immediately put back together, clean, happy, smiling etc. We talked this one out and I set him straight as only a 38 week pregnant woman could.
Next, for the two weeks leading up to delivery, my mother in law would call my husband each night to ask if I had gone into labor yet. It always seemed to happen when I was sitting next to him, so I never missed a phone call. Antsy much? Do you need to remind me again that I am still pregnant? Also, do you think we would have had the baby and not told you? Seriously people! I felt so smothered! Good thing I put everyone straight about visiting!
The icing on the cake was when, at 36 weeks, my mother told me she had a business trip three days after my due date. She was talking about how much fun the trip was going to be and said something about being disappointed. I thought she meant disappointed that she couldn’t go on the trip. Come to find out, she meant disappointed that she might miss the birth of her first grandchild and not be there to support her daughter! WTF, mom?! I cried and cried and cried about this. Finally I talked to my sister and told her she needed to intervene because first time moms usually go past their due dates! Finally my sis talked some sense into her and told her to explore other options like going to the conference late, or having someone go in her place. Sheesh! It made me feel like I was asking her to save the world. She is normally very supportive, so this was a huge shock to me.
Anyway, after the baby was here, of course I spent most of my time topless trying to breastfeed, so it was hard to have visitors around. My mother-in-law (MIL) had a planned C-Section for the twins, so never experienced a contraction or labor, and decided not to breastfeed. So, I got the feeling they were a little perturbed when we made them leave the room, or cut our visit short because it was feeding time again. They just didn’t get it. I was also exhausted and just wanted to sleep when the baby was sleeping, but felt the need to entertain everyone (even though they were the ones who brought us food for the first week, thank god!) because they were only here for a week. Then all the visitors left and we had two weeks to ourselves to figure out our routine and this whole being parents thing.
When Ben was about 6 weeks, we had an engagement party for one of my husbands friends from high school. The in-laws were good friends with his parents too, so it was a family affair. This was the first time we had been out at a public function (not just a friend’s house for casual dinner), all dressed up, as a new family of 3. We arrived a little late as we stopped to feed the little guy before getting to the party. When we got there, the MIL rushed up to me, “How are you? Do you need anything? Are you overwhelmed? I can hold him for you if you want to get a drink or some food!”. Whoa, I just got here, calm the F down, lady! After I said no thank you, and we made the social rounds, showing him off in his stroller, it was time to sit down for dinner. He began to fuss so I picked him up and rocked him to sleep in my arms. The family returned from the buffet with a plate for me. Over the next 40 minutes, my MIL “offered” to hold the baby while I ate, EIGHT TIMES! That’s an average of once every 5 minutes. I finally looked at her and said, “I am really enjoying my time with him right now, I will let you know if I need a break.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with him being held, especially by his grandparents. I might resent my MIL a little, and she annoys the heck out of me sometimes, but really, it’s fine with me for him to be held. If she hadn’t asked about a billion times, I might have been more open to the possibility. Also, it wasn’t so much that she was asking, she was passive aggressively disguising her desire to hold him as if she was doing a favor for me. If you want to hold him, just ask me, dangit! At that time, we were struggling with breastfeeding, I was feeling my connection with him fade as our intimate bonding time was taken away. Also, every time he slept at home, I put him down so I could get something done. I really was enjoying holding this sleeping angel and admiring how perfect he really was. My husband sat idly by the whole time, not saying a word. I finally let her hold him and she did for the rest of the evening.
They were still in town for the rest of the weekend. The next night they came over for dinner. I had just gotten him to sleep in his swing in the living room when they arrived. She walks over to him and starts rubbing his feet and talking to him. I looked at her and said, What are you doing? She said, Do I get to hold this guy? I said, Absolutely not! He’s sleeping! She said, Oh, does he think its time to eat whenever he is held? I said, No, he just got to sleep and needs to rest. ?!? Really? If I would have walked up to her 6 week old twins and started talking to them and rubbing their feet while they slept, she would have gone mad! The only conclusion I can come up with is that the first year with twins is so horribly sleep deprived that you just block out everything. She also asked me questions like How do you know he’s hungry? And what is that dark tarry-sticky stuff in his diapers? You don’t remember the meconium? Nope. Well, it’s pretty unforgettable to me.
When Ben was about 9 or 10 weeks old, it was time for the wedding of the previous couple at the engagement party. Due to some weather issues, many roads were closed. We had to take a long road to get there. The in-laws arrived first, and we arrived on time, but after them. When we got there, the MIL again rushed up to us, “Do you need anything? Are you okay? Are you overwhelmed? Do you need me to hold him?” Really, this again? After a long car ride, I was a little snappy, and retorted “I’ll let you know if we need anything” in a stiff voice.
Then when we sat down to dinner, she again barraged us with the “I can hold him so you can… eat dinner.. dance… get something to drink.” I was holding him for a little while trying to warm up as it had nearly started snowing in this mountain ceremony outdoors. I then passed him to my husband to feed him and let him take the brunt of the “offerings”. She held him for a little while after he ate and then he started to fuss during the toasts. My husband took him to the back of the room to calm him down. When he came back with a perfect sleeping angel in his arms, the MIL commented, “Awww, look at that. I think he’s a daddy’s boy!” I snapped back quickly, “What am I chopped liver?”
To me, the term “Daddy’s boy” or “Mama’s Boy” implies that the child likes one parent more than another. For my MIL to comment that my 2 month old son loved his dad more than me was beyond insulting. Honestly, I know that he doesn’t like one of us more than the other, and I didn’t believe her comment for a second. It was more that she couldn’t see how that was offensive to me. How would she feel if I said, “You should see him with my parents, he just smiles at them all the time, and they can always get him to sleep… He’s such a Nana’s boy!” She would be totally offended. After a little while, she said, “I didn’t mean to offend you.” I just laughed and rolled my eyes and got up for some hot chocolate. She disappeared for awhile, probably talking to her friends. Then came back and got to hold the baby again. After about a half hour she came over to me and said do you want to hold him? I said, “Only if you’re tired”. “No, I’m good, I just want to make sure you get enough time with him.” Ugh, it’s not about me wanting to hold him all the time!
So there is the hard headed part of me… the more you bug me about it, the less I’m going to want to let you do it. Also, when you offend me and insinuate that my baby loves my husband more, I’m not going to want you to hold my baby. This was the last time we have seen them and it will be another month before they return. I think I just need to be away from the MIL while she is around the baby. That means it’s time for some girls nights when the in-laws are in town!
I talked to my hubs about this a few weeks later, asking him to step in sometimes and not always let me be the bad guy. He said he would try. I don’t have high hopes. I don’t want to strain the relationship with his mother and I don’t want to always complain about her to him, but there has to be some middle ground. Several times in high school, we would be at his house doing a puzzle or watching a movie and she didn’t know I was in the other room and I heard her complain about me. Only once did she know that we heard what she said, and she said “Sorry, I was just being grumpy, woman to woman, I think you can relate.” What kind of apology is that? Shouldn’t you have taken responsibility for your actions and not blamed it on some PMS? One Christmas I had to work, so my sister graciously made me, my hubs (then fiance) and the brother in law dinner. She made a non traditional menu as she was throwing us a camping themed engagement party in a few weeks and wanted to try out the menu (pigs in a blanket, mini grilled cheese, caprese salad, smores, etc). When the MIL found out what we had eaten on Christmas, she gasped, “I can’t believe my boys ate pigs in a blanket on Christmas! What a travesty!” Seriously? Not, wow, that sucks you had to work, that was really nice of your sister to cook so you could all be together after your long 12 hour shift at the hospital!”
She seems to be a bit selfish, I guess. My brother-in-laws GF is from NJ. She has never been to NYC because she thinks its too crowded and dirty, and hasn’t ever been to NJ either, because, what’s to see there? Often times, in front of the GF, she talks about how she would never want to visit NJ, she has no desire to go to NYC etc etc. No place is as good as the place we live, she says. God forbid her other son moves back to NJ so his GF could be closer to her family for the first time in 6 years since she left for college. And, even worse, what if they get married and they have it in NJ?! That would bring her world to an end. She just doesn’t realize what she says has an effect on other people. Her home state is the best, her son is a better parent than her daughter in law, etc. If I was her daughter, my son would have been a “mommy’s boy”.
My husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea to bring this up, because it will only make it worse. So, for now, I will be kicking him under the table when he needs to take one for the team and ranting about it here to get it off my chest. I need to learn to let go and move on, but I just can’t forgive someone who isn’t sorry. To help with this, I bought a book called Let it Go: Forgive So You Can Be Forgiven by T.D. Jakes. …It’s still on the bookshelf.
