I recently returned to work. I am lucky enough to be able to work part time. It means I may eat Top Ramen for lunch everyday, but I get to spend most of my time with my beautiful baby! I am working two 12 hour days per week, and honestly, I am not sure I could work one more day per week even if I had to! I am so exhausted it takes me all of my days off to recover.
My first day back, I didn’t cry. Honestly, I felt a little guilty about it! I was sad to leave him, but I knew I would be seeing him again soon! I feel comfortable with our babysitter and knowing that he has someone’s full attention all day made me happy. Usually at work, all the girls coming back for their first day are a blubbering mess. Maybe it was helpful that I had a few extra weeks off (15 instead of 12), or that I was part time, or could it be that I was a little happy to have some adult time? I was sad, but I did feel guilty that there weren’t any tears!
I also think that our strained breastfeeding relationship had something to do with it. I think that the maternal/infant bond is a lot stronger when there is breastfeeding going on successfully. It doesn’t mean I love my baby less, I just think those hormones make you more attached to your baby. I felt like I spent my whole maternity leave in the doctor’s office trying to get breastfeeding going and that Ben and I were constantly fighting each other about breastfeeding, so it ended up being a huge negative experience for both of us.
The first day flew by. From trying to pump every 3 hours, to trying to remember what the heck I was doing, and learning our updated computer system, it was 7pm before I knew it. I was also beyond exhausted from getting up at 2 to feed him/pump and then getting up at 4 to get ready for work, I didn’t have the energy to be sad. Plus I was SO late, it took me a while to de-stress after my hurried drive in!
Now when I go to work, I am a little less busy, I have time to think about him all day and wonder what he is up to. When I work a weekend, I make my husband text me updates and pictures! When the babysitter has him, I call my hubby the second I clock out and ask how the day went. I wanted to know the gritty details- did he poop? How did he eat? Did he nap okay? At first, he would answer, “I don’t know”… What do you mean you don’t know? You didn’t ask? So then I made a log where the babysitter can write down his feedings and diapers so I can at least keep track of that! Finally last week, the hubby was able to give me a full report on his day… he must have finally gotten the hint after I asked him a million billion times!
My time away from Ben makes me appreciate my time with him a lot more. Plus, there is nothing like taking care of other people’s sick children that makes you appreciate your healthy ones more! I also enjoy socializing and talking with my coworkers who are also moms, since I don’t have any friends with kids!
